Happy Birthday Levi!!

Levi turns one year old today!! Honestly, it doesn't seem possible that an entire year has gone by already. Where does all the time go? Levi is going to have his party on Saturday so Daddy can be home for it. In honor of Levi's birthday I thought it would be nice to look back at his life so far. It hasn't been easy for him, that's for sure.

Levi was born at 5:43am on August 14, 2006. He was so tiny and perfect with all that black hair. He was doing this adorable little grunt. I thought it was so cute and made him so boyish, right up until the nurse took him from me for some testing because that cute little grunting could be a sign of respiratory distress. I only got to hold him for about 5 minutes.



By the time breakfast came at 8am the doctor was telling me that Levi's lungs were underdeveloped and he was struggling to breath. He would need to be transfered to the Newborn Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at the Toledo Children's Hospital. I was completely devastated. It felt like my entire world fell out from underneath me. I remember sitting on the edge of the hospital bed feeling completely numb just starring at these doctors telling me that my son might die just so casually, as though giving me the weather. I wanted to scream, I wanted to fight, I wanted to break something, but I couldn't even speak. I just sat there. There was this long awkward silence. I think they were waiting for me to say something. Still nothing. When I finally managed to open my mouth all I could say was that I wanted to go with him. Considering that I had just given birth all of 2.5 hours earlier that wasn't their first suggestion.



A team of people from Toledo Children's Hospital came in a special ambulance with special equipment to transport him. He looked like he was in a space ship. It was an incubator that was attached to some other thing on wheels that actually went right into the floor of the NICU ambulance. He looked so pitiful in that thing. He was so small with all these tubes in his nose and mouth. They even had some weird strap across his forhead. It was completely heart breaking. He was born at 5:43 and by noon he as on his way to Toledo without me (which made me feel like he was alone). Mama couldn't let her baby be alone so I was discharged and on my way by 1pm.

Once we got to the hospital in Toledo they told us that they had to put Levi on a ventilator. They felt he might not make it through the night if he had to breath on his own. I can't even describe the feeling. There are no words. We finally get to see him. At this point I'm walking in a fog. It's almost like I'm watching everything happen. You've got to be kidding me! This is not my son! That's what I wanted to say as I looked down through a plastic box at a baby you could barely see because of all the tubing and tape. All you could see was one little closed eye. But yet, I knew that this was my son. I felt it. My heart was just aching. I couldn't even touch him. It only upset him.



The doctors said that he would be on the ventilator for at least 3-5 days if he survived his first 24 hours. He would probably be at the hospital for at least 2 weeks. Dave and I got a room at the Ronald McDonald House. Thank God for the Ronald McDonald House. This was by far the longest day of my life. I was completely emotionally exhausted. My body was physically drained. I spent way to much time walking on the same day as giving birth. However, sleep still did not come easy.

I was up and showered by 6 and called to check on Levi. He had made it through his first 24 hours!! I got Dave up and we went to see Levi. Even though he had made though his first day he still had a long way to go. Sitting there is so hard. You're surrounded by tiny sick babies in incubators. My son had tubing taped to his face so he could breath. The sounds the breathing machine made. The beeping of his monitors when his oxygen would be to high or to low. You just feel so helpless. There is absolutely nothing you can do, but pray.



This sort of thing changes who you are. Inside. It's a scar on your heart, your soul. It heals but the marking is always there. And if you scratch it, the memory of the pain is so real it feels like you're in that moment again.



But through it all Levi was strong, so strong. He was off the ventilator and breathing on his own in 2 days. He was discharged in 7. He is my amazing miracle man. He amazes me everyday. Just yesterday he pulled himself all the way up in his playpen which he had never done before. He is almost walking. Saying Mamma, Dadda, Hi, Yeah. I thank God for him everyday. As I do all my kids. But it's different for Levi, he had to fight so hard just to be here.



Well, this turns out to be not the post I had in mind. But I guess it's the post that I needed it to be. Thank you for remembering with me. It's usually something I avoid. But today, I am remembering and celebrating! Happy 1st Birthday Levi!! We all love you so much!